Sunday, December 18, 2016
The Tradition of Lying
The tradition of Santa Claus is weird, right? I mean, it's almost immoral. How we've been able to get away with teaching our children to never lie and always be good citizens while simultaneously lying to them about three, significantly made up characters (the aforementioned Mr. Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny) for hundreds of years, I'll never really understand. However, even the most religious parents, those who preach the Ten Commandments and shame dishonesty, have no problem looking their kids in the eye and saying, "Yeah, some fat bearded old guy is gonna shimmy down our chimney tonight and give you whatever the hell you want. Just don't forget to leave me--er, him, milk and cookies."
I'll never forget the Christmas Santa Claus brought me a Bill O'Reilly book.
I was probably seven or eight and barely had any clue who Bill O'Reilly was. If I did have any clue, I certainly wouldn't have wanted to read The O'Reilly Factor for Kids. Nevertheless, Santa found it necessary to chuck that shit down my chimney.
I remember opening the gift, seeing the book, and feeling very...confused. Why would Santa give me this? Who is this old man who slightly resembles my father? Did I ask for this and forget about it?
I looked up at my parents with a smile, perhaps too protective of Santa Claus to admit that he had fucked up. I figured maybe he got the wrong house, but I didn't want to out him to my parents.
"Wow," I breathed, "This is so exciting." I was praying to God they wouldn't ask me any questions about this O'Reilly dude, like who he was or why I was interested in his writing. They both seemed really happy for me, like they were proud of Santa Claus. I didn't really understand.
What about you? Did "Santa" ever bring you something completely irrational, something you never would have dreamed of asking for? Hypothermic socks? A Bible? New toothbrush? Leave a comment with your own confusing story below.
Until my next post, as we survive the holiday season together.
"Daddy, what's the 'No Spin Zone'?"