Tuesday, November 8, 2016

How To Enjoy Your Family Thanksgiving Getdown

Hey Brainiacs,

Coming to us at the end of the month (which seems to be approaching at rapid speed) is the holiday we all simultaneously love and hate: Thanksgiving.  I think we can all agree that it's a blessing to see the family we rarely get to see throughout the year, and yet at the same time it can be infuriating.  Annoying questions from distant aunts, uncles tussling your hair and teasing you for "growing up so fast," little cousins whining because they didn't eat enough green beans to get a second slice of pie--this can all be enough to drive us mad.  Take that with the self-loathing you feel after you've been forced to unbutton your pants, the impending hangover you can foresee after you've cracked open one beer too many, and the anxiety you feel as the clock nears midnight and you're expected on the battlefield (a.k.a. Black Friday front lines) and Thanksgiving can really take a toll on a girl.  Here, Taylor's Brain does you the courtesy of breaking down possible Thanksgiving disaster scenarios and teaching you just how to maneuver yourself before it's too late:

Problem #1: The uncle who asks you why you don't have a boyfriend...

Any woman in her late teens/early twenties can empathize with this situation.  Good old Uncle Bob has had a few, thinks he's hilarious, thinks he's really carrying the party on his own back when he throws this question at you.  It's meant to tease you, embarrass you, get an "adorable" little reaction out of you (or maybe he's just asking to find out if he has a shot).  Is your uncle ultra conservative?  Did he just get back from a huntin' and fishin' trip?  If so, I offer you the golden answer to this question: tell him you're a lesbian.  He probably won't speak for the rest of the night.  However, if your uncle is an informed and thriving part of the LGBTQ awareness community, this may not work. Instead, I invite you to hit him with this: "I keep trying to meet someone but they all turn out to be EXACTLY like you."

Problem #2: You're designated as the babysitter for your little cousins (against your will)...

If you're anything like me, you're just NOT a fan of kids.  No matter how hard you try, no matter how related to you they are, you just don't get it.  They may as well be aliens for all the sense they make to you.  However, society tells us that all females instinctively love and are wonderful with children and so more often than not, the younger women who don't have children of their own are expected to dote on the kids of the family.  This can make for a very. Long. Evening.  The solution?  Pretend to get in a fight with the child over a toy or a slice of pie.  Throw a tantrum right alongside with the child; the ADULT adults will be so horrified at your juvenile behavior that they'll just silently move you away from the youngsters.  Problem solved.

Problem #3: A second (or third, or fourth...) slice of pie is calling you name...

JUST SAY NO!  I mean, unless you're still hungry.  Then by all means, go for it.  But 9 times out of 10, when we go back for seconds (or thirds, or fourths...) at Thanksgiving dinner, we do NOT need it.  Sure, we're all entitled to a cheat meal, but not a cheat banquet.  Don't ruin the delicious dinner you just consumed by gorging yourself until you want to be sick.  Again, if you're anything like me, you'll definitely wake up the next morning sweating cranberry sauce and hating yourself.  Solution: Cut your slice of pie into 2 or 3 smaller pieces and eat them very slowly.  This will give yourself the illusion that you're going back for seconds when really, YOU are the victor.

Problem #4: You want to go home but your parents refuse to stop talking...

Hopefully at this age this is easily solvable for most of us: DRIVE SEPARATELY.  However, if you're without car and find yourself dying of boredom, plan ahead and bring reinforcements.  Phone charger, laptop, a book, some homework.  Do what you gotta do.  Keep in mind this may be one of the few times a year your parents get to see their siblings; take one for the team and wait it out.  It's one day.

And there you have it! How to get through Thanksgiving for the curmudgeon-y twenty-something year old.  Think of more problems you may face that you need help solving? Send them my way! I'm here to make your life easier...or at least funnier.

XOXO,

Taylor

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