Friday, August 18, 2017

Beyoncé The Author (Brought to You By Unpublished-and-Bitter-About-It)

Beyoncé has news for us mere mortals, and it’s big: she’s released a 600-page coffee table book about her sixth album, Lemonade.  The book takes readers through the process that went behind the album—everything from the body paint featured in her music video for “Sorry” to the Louisiana Tignon Laws that went behind Creole women wearing headwraps, which Beyoncé dons for the album.

This book features a lot of interesting copy.  For example, it goes into great depth about every collaboration/idea/ritual that went behind the album.  An extreme Beyoncé fan might be thrilled to learn all of this—a sneak peek at the behind-the-scenes of the industry.  However, are the rest of us expected to give that much of a shit?

I’ve always enjoyed Beyoncé, and I must admit that Lemonade and all that it stands for in terms of women of color and feminism in general, is absolutely brilliant.  I think Beyoncé is a great role model and a modern trailblazer for women everywhere, but even this doesn’t make me want to read a 600-page book on her fucking music album.

Like I said before—for extreme fans, this makes sense.  If there were a 600, no, 600,000-page book on Lady Gaga, I’d devour it.  I’d read it every morning when I wake up and every night before I sleep.  But for the rest of the population who isn’t a die-hard Beyoncé fan, how does this book make sense?

Sort of like Kim K’s selfie book (although much less ridiculous)—who is buying this crap?  I get wanting to know all the history of feminism and black culture in America, but can’t we trust someone other than Beyoncé to teach it to us?  Like, maybe, and this is a reach but: a historian? 

Good for Beyoncé for taking the time to sit down and write a 600-page book.  Except, wait, she definitely didn’t write a single word and it’s mostly pictures anyway.  I guess I’m just interested to see how long this book is wildly sought after before it’s forgotten forever and I come across it in a cardboard box at a yard sale in seven years.

I literally don't even want to KNOW how much it costs.



Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Horoscopes: The Sagittarius Woman

Upon request: a closer look at the sign Sagittarius and how it relates to my cousin, the beautiful Sierra Garcia.

Right off the bat, I see similarities.  Your strengths are being generous, idealistic, and having a great sense of humor.  I can’t think of a time when we weren’t smiling and/or laughing together, and you are the sweetest most selfless person I have ever met.

As far as weaknesses, you can promise more than you can deliver, you can be impatient, and you say anything no matter how undiplomatic.  I think the last two are true of you, but in an honorable way.  You stand up for what you believe in and you’re never afraid to let people know it.  When you aren’t happy with the way things are going, you actively participate to bring about change.

You like freedom, travel (has anything ever been more relevant in relation to Sierra Garcia?), philosophy, and being outdoors.  You dislike clingy people (so watch it, Campy), being constrained, off-the-wall theories (ditto), and details.  You’re curious and energetic.  Who wouldn’t want to be in your life?

You’re an extrovert, optimistic, and enthusiastic.  You welcome change.  You need to be constantly in touch with the world; you have the desire to experience as much as possible.  Freedom is your greatest treasure.

This is making me think twice about horoscopes, because this describes my cousin almost flawlessly.

As far as love goes, you’re playful and humorous.  You want your partner to be intellectual, sensitive, and expressive.  It would be really weird if I knew whether or not this applies to you, so I’ll let Daniel ponder this one!

You’re fun, always surrounded by friends.  You enjoy the diversity of life and culture.  You’re generous; you don’t lecture.  You’ll do anything for your loved ones.  (You’re a gem to have around).

When it comes to career, you’ll do anything to achieve your goal once your sights are set.  The ideal job for you would be travel agent, photographer, researcher, artist, or ambassador. Can you please become a travel agent and take me everywhere with you?

Listen closely, because this is where I tell you how to attract my cousin: she’s wild, independent, fun, and outgoing.  You want to go on a date outdoors; you want adventures and long conversations. If you want to keep up, you need a free spirit yourself.

Not all horoscopes make sense, but this aligns pretty well with you, Si.  You’re outgoing, selfless, and one of the most hilarious and beautiful people I’ve ever met.  I love that I get to be your cousin.

Horoscope Ramblings: I Paid Attention to My Sign, And This Is What Happened

I’ve never been one to be a huge believer in “signs.”  You’ve heard the general consensus from the nonbelievers: Is everyone born in the same month really supposed to have the same destiny and personality?  Of course not.  But there’s something to be said for the signs.  I still don’t understand why or how it works, but I took a closer look at my sign (Pisces), and this is how strikingly I aligned:

I used this website, which I highly recommend.  Right off the bat, things begin to click for me.  My colors are mauve, lilac, purple, violet, or sea green.  My room has been a royal purple since I was nine years old. 

I’m writing this based on the premise that a SINGLE PERSON will actually give a shit.

Pisces’ strengths: compassion, artistic, intuitive, gentle, wise, musical.  This makes sense for me.  I’ve always loved writing and I’ve always been able to relate to others, even people I barely know.  I’ll ignore how completely stupid the “musical” option is—who doesn’t like music?

As far as weaknesses, I’m accused of being too trusting, fearful, sad, having the desire the escape reality, and being a victim/martyr.  This is where I begin to disagree.  I barely trust anyone and I NEVER play victim.  I’m also not fearful at all, almost to a fault—I’m probably one of the most careless people I know, but I will admit to having a constant desire to escape reality because…who wants this all the time?

According to this site, I’m an incorrigible romantic. I’m loyal, gentle, and unconditionally generous to my partners.  I’m passionate and feel the need to have a real connection. I’m blindly loyal and very caring.  I’d love to say that this is all true because it makes me sound like a relationship goddess, but…no, I’m just going to say it’s all true. Who’s going to stop me?

When it comes to my career, I’m best in a position where I can be artistic and even better off if it’s for charity.  I’m not sure how much I care about charity, but sure.  Possible occupations: veterinarian, attorney, architect, musician, social worker, and game designer.  These all sound like slow torture, but I can maybe see myself being an attorney based on how much I love to disagree with everyone around me simply for the sake of disagreeing.

It also mentions that Pisces don’t give money too much thought, and this could not be truer of me.  I have a terrible habit of leaving my money just lying around because I really don’t care.  Something costs money? Take it.  Karma will take care of me in the end if I’m a good person.  Is this a ridiculous way to think?  Maybe don’t answer that.

Overall, how do I match up here?  Some of it is true and some of it is mildly ridiculous (sort of like this article and its near lack of purpose).  However, it was sort of fun to read over and see whether or not the traits lined up. 

Comment below if you agree/disagree with the findings here.  Maybe you want me to look up your sign for you and explain your life to you in a witty/slightly snarky manner—I’ll do it!  It’s that slow of a day for me.